Most people also have no clue that I am in a therapist’s office at least once a week with phone sessions that I can’t count; trying to work on learning to forgive or at least trying to the grasp the simple concept of “letting go”. To live in the moment.
I think that everyone can agree, 15 years is a long, fucking time.
I have worked so hard, slacked off, had three kids, battled alcoholism on a daily basis for the last 8 years and try to be the person that people want to have in their lives.
I’ve been told that I have offended. I have been told that I have disappointed. I have been told that I’m a good person. I’ve been told that I should be MORE selfish in regards to what I want and I need.
I have put myself first. I have put myself last. I’ve walked away from so many toxic relationships/friendships way later in the game than I should have.
I have compromised my morals, I have made excuses for them and myself at times to keep those same people in my life because well, I lack the brain function to walk the fuck away and not close a door but, slam that fucker shut.
I have given when I had nothing left; mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. I have given support to people but when I needed support; none was offered.
I started saying “NO” and people started to widen the divide.
I try and be a good friend. A good mom. A good wife. I’m honest most of the time. I don’t cheat or steal.
I guess there is no point to this other than I am too goddamned lazy to put pen to journal and I just needed to write this shit down.
It’s funny being told time and time again how “strong” that I am. When in actuality; not a single thing could be farther from the truth. I can BE strong when I have to be but, after so long; I’m here to tell you, just keeping up the facade of strength is exhausting.
I talk too much. I swear too much. I am too “harsh”.
I should find Jesus. (never knew he was hiding but, what the fuck ever) I should find something to “center” me.
I should meditate. I should “just breathe”. I shouldn’t take “all those xanax” and in the same conversation I have heard, “Did you take your meds today?”.
Well, I also shouldn’t be dealt the “FUCK YOU, MELODY” hand every time that I allow myself to be positive.
I envy those that can see the good in things. I envy those that are content in their ability to sit back and look pretty. I envy those that are happy with who they are even though, come on now… we all know that 99% those same people are full of shit. I envy the shit out of those that can be fake as fuck because, I definitely lost out on that trait somewhere.
I have fought for fifteen years to be the person that I thought I was supposed to be. And, every time there has been something thrown in my way; I dealt with it. But, there’s a point when enough is enough and it’s time to concede.
Last week, I was so stoked about seeing my doctor and even more stoked when he told me that it was a good thing that he doesn’t like to just give up and he was re-writing my referral for my surgery.
And, within 48 hours… all was shot to shit. Again.
So, longer story short… my surgery isn’t going to happen. And, all this strength that people seem to think that I have; there’s none left. Not even enough to fake it.
I guess that there is something that I have done or haven’t done, said or haven’t said that is coming full circle on me.
Whatever. I have so much resentment in me right now that I can (and I hate this word) literally feel my blood pressure rising each time something so much as reminds me of this shit hand that I have to play right now.
I guess you get what you give and since according to some in my life, I’m mean, a bully, a disappointment, too harsh, too cold, don’t listen(which translates to “didn’t do what you wanted me to because trust, I heard everything you said.), I need peace, I need to forgive.
This morning, I had to cancel an appointment with my actual psychiatrist that I had made in JUNE. So, that means no meds until I see her again. But, I am sure that the reasoning wouldn’t matter to those that will inevitably ask, “Did you take your meds today?”.