Last night the OHOTMU and I attended the FY-2017 Khaki Ball.
Call me a glutton for emotional punishment but, I have this disorder that makes me want to believe that despite mistakes that SOME people make, they are still inherently good people. No, I don’t WANT to believe it, I DO believe it. And, part of this disorder is realizing that I care and love some people more deeply than reciprocated.
Before August of 2015, I didn’t believe in the little “clique” that a CPO (Chief Petty Officer) wife has with other CPO wives when our spouses go through season together. Obviously, those being pinned with anchors form an unbreakable bond. That’s what the Chief’s Mess is about, brotherhood and sisterhood. But as a wife, you form bonds with the other wives (in my case, no hubby spouses) that others won’t or can’t understand. We go through the six weeks of having no spouse, we lean on each other, we work together, we cry and bitch and hold up the house during that time. It’s something that I can’t justly put into words. After Season is over, we may not always be the closest of friends but, there will ALWAYS be a special bond. If you’re confused, think of it as a sister love/hate relationship; “I can call my sister a fucking bitch but, if YOU call her a fucking bitch, I will cut you” kind of relationship. There will always be that pride of being the wife of a Chief. I met this beautiful woman when our hubs went through Season together. Long story short; shit happens, life changes, marriages dissolve and you STAND TOGETHER as sisters or something along those lines. But, then she was just gone. And, you know what? I miss her. Everyone makes mistakes. Some are larger than others but, we all make them at some point.
My heart hurts for the entire situation and I know that I should see it as I do with many other things and just not give a shit. But, I do. I care what happens to my friends and I don’t want anyone to hurt or to feel like they can’t come to me to listen.
Point of this is that last night, I had a complete BLAST with these beautiful and intelligent, funny women that I am lucky enough to call my friends. We laughed and acted silly. Talked true stories of boobs, duct tape, what we did for our husbands during their induction season but, my head and heart wouldn’t let me stop wishing that my friend was there. Wishing that she was laughing and bullshitting with all of us and making fun of me when I TRIED to do the Cha-Cha slide in a CIRCLE which doesn’t work, fyi.
Like I said, call me a glutton for emotional punishment. I don’t know if we were ever truly “friends” in her eyes and it is what it is. I just want her to know that she IS loved and missed and maybe one day we can reconnect when the time is right for her. Until then, I mostly just wish her peace. And love for herself.
And that was my pathetic mushy entry for the day. Thank you.