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Babe, I know that you don’t care about this but…

…it’s a phrase that my poor husband is all too familiar with after 13+ years together. And normally, it’s accompanied by showing him something that I really, REALLY want but, am too scared to say, “Regardless of what you think, I already bought this”.  As of late, it’s been this thing called Lularoe. I don’t know, maybe you have heard of it? But, seriously.

Personally, I think that he should count his lucky stars that it’s no longer an obsession  with Coach or that Louis Vuitton clutch that cost as much as our monthly mortgage payment, but rather a $25 pair of leggings. And most of the time, I get my leggings with some sort of discount applied. (Please note that I said, “Most of the time”.) And, while I’m on the subject of these leggings, I’ve even done the math on these bad boys.  Trust me, it’s cheaper on him if I just buy the fucking leggings.

I digress though… in case you are one of the few that have been living on another fucking planet or have not been properly introduced to the wonderful world of LLR, allow me one paragraph to explain. At LEAST one paragraph.

LLR started (for me) as these severely overpriced leggings that a girlfriend of mine found. Yes, they are soft. Yes, they do feel like some sort of fabric that one would imagine a Greek god draping themselves in. I mean, if gods actually wore pants. And, up until she gifted me with a pair of these amazing pieces of loveliness, I was of sound mind when I would declare that, “…leggings are NOT pants”. Leggings are what WalMart shoppers wear when they are too lazy to put on actual pants. Yes. You actually read that correctly. There was a time that I would tell anyone, “Leggings are NOT pants” and ridicule those who did wear them as such.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. There are still the occasional times when I see that camel toe on someone and still think that they made a horrible mistake and why didn’t someone stop them. For the most part though, I simply nod and ask where they got that pair and if their consultant is local. Shipping gets expensive on this shit, yo. Gotta have the local hook up.

There is a whole other world of these women (and men, I’m sure) that have the same obsession that I do. And for once, I am afforded the luxury of claiming that people other than myself are crazier than a Southern granny on the porch in the hot Mississippi sun. These people wear their crazy with a sense of pride that I have for my sobriety of seven years. It’s a completely surreal experience when you come across these bitches. And trust, you will come across them if you want to get in on this action.

I’ve actually seen some posts where I thought that if there wasn’t that pesky little detail of two women being seven states apart, they would rip each other’s throats out. Please allow me to remind you again that this is all in the name of LEGGINGS. But, yes. Name calling… backstabbing… ruin a marriage of 20 years worth of craziness. All bundled into one little pair of ‘buttery’ soft PANTS.

I have converted a few people myself. Don’t get me wrong. I. Love. These. Leggings. Fuck, just a couple of weeks ago, my psychiatrist was feeling me up and was like, “SOLD!” I have one friend that shall remain nameless, that when I see her she automatically feels my shirt or pants to see if they are LLR.  I’m not actually sure how I haven’t converted her yet but, it’s only a matter of time. They always see things my way.  😉

Unless you are a millionaire or have no other person to justify your financial standing with, this next section is not for you. And if the truth be told, I should not be putting this out there for fear that my own OHOTMU will see this and be onto my game. But, here goes… because knowledge is power.

  1. There are ALWAYS discounts. No matter what. For example: “I got these at such a discount! Like, I totally wasn’t expecting one but, the consultant needed to move these for her new inventory.”
  2. There are ALWAYS contests going on and you win them every. Single. Time. No exceptions. Like, you are the luckiest mother fucker on the planet. Example: “OMG, babe! I just won a $20 Lula Cash credit for my next purchase!”
  3. There are always consultants that are your friends. ALWAYS.  Example: “I am so lucky that I met JoAnne Benton So-and So! She gives me the total friend’s discount!”
  4. There is always that FREE pair. Example: “I got so lucky because this was my FREE pair for sending all my friends her way!”
  5. There is always the ‘newbie consultant’ that just wants to get her name out there and sent you “…a free Carly(or insert whatever piece you splurged on) so that I could totally see what all the hype was about!”

I can promise you that unless your SO is all up in your bank account or is just of the “nods his/her head in agreement” types (and in this case, it doesn’t matter anyway), one of these examples will work for you every time. And, there are some that I haven’t even tried yet. Some of the particularly amazing consultants will even make it so that your invoice says something along the lines of, “Congratulation on winning our free leggings giveaway!” Now those…THOSE are my kinds of bitches.  Sold. Sold. Sold.

Now, I hate to end this so abruptly but I’m on my way to a friend’s house to see what LLR goodies she got in the mail today. But, if the OHOTMU asks… see #4 and #5.

LulaLove,

Melody

 

 

 

 

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About melodyswatson

Thanks for giving this blog a chance. Well, it would have been cool if you would have tried it when I started it like, FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO! But, water under the bridge and lets go from here… ;) I am a soon to be, 40 year old mother of three boys, proud wife to one sexy ass Navy Chief, fur-mom to two dogs, five cats, two rats and a black corn snake. I thrive on chaos and therefore I also bottle feed and foster underage kittens for my girlfriend's rescue. I am THE Crazy Cat Lady. I live in Southern California (yes, you can be jealous now) and own my home so… I won't ever be leaving! I am not close to my family mainly because… well, I don't really relate to them. But, I love the fuck out of my friends and will do anything for them. I hope that you will follow this blog. Mainly because it would nice to hear your own experiences or times you relate to something you read on here. But, also be aware that I am NOT an everyday, on schedule blogger. I blog when I have something to share. Always remember that forced words on paper are just as fake as that 'comeback' you have towards someone ten minutes too late. Let it go and wait for the next victim. I am also a staunch supporter of swearing. If I didn't swear, you would know that I was dead. So, take a stroll down memory lane on this blog and follow my thoughts and adventures.

One response to “Babe, I know that you don’t care about this but…

  1. Lisa ⋅

    I couldn’t have found a better person than to gift my penis Irma .. I love you for the honesty & yes I have in my Google doc if I should say Congrats on winning such item on a note card when I ship them out 💋

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