Fruitcake, cider and those fucking pajamas

***WARNING*** Some might read this as a “grinch-y” entry. It’s quite the opposite. I truly wonder and care deeply about some of these traditions and what the fuck people are thinking when they carry them out.

  1. Matching Christmas pajamas. Why? Seriously, why one night of the year do you purchase overpriced holiday jammies to make sure that each of your individualities are hidden? And if I am speaking frankly here, they’re fucking ugly. And I probably speak for many when I say, your children are now pondering your retirement home standards and whether you will be fed human grade food or Fancy Feast.
  2. Fruit cake. Does anyone REALLY eat this shit? We have all heard the tale of how there is ONE fruitcake that is circulated throughout family and friends over the years. Gifted and re-gifted. I mean, honestly? I have only ever seen one person eat fruitcake; my grandfather. And, by the look on his face as he bit into that chewy mass of candied fruit and overly gummy cake, he didn’t even like it! It’s like, “Fuck it. All the cake is gone. All the pie is gone. There are no more cookies. Damn. Fruitcake.” This is also a man that will willingly gulp down a huge glass of buttermilk so, in essence, his opinion is moot.
  3. Eggnog. Seriously, I have a theory on this. Not a single person likes this shit. Not. One. It’s simply used as a mixing agent for booze. You know, booze? The staple that allows you to deal with your in laws and get through that awkward Xmas dinner when Aunt Gertrude is reminding you that Charles Manson had love interests while he’s been in prison so, what is your excuse? Yup.
  4. Apple-fucking-cider. Dude. It’s apple juice. With cinnamon. Warmed up. And, although I can say, “Who would not like this apple-y deliciousness?!”, I can also say “Why the fuck don’t we make warm cider all year round? It’s not like it’s a difficult thing to do. But, it seems that people wait until November 1st to go crazy over this shit and until the pretty Welch’s bottle comes out that is four times the price of the plastic bottle just down the aisle from that end cap. But, I will give you this, ye plethora of cider aficionados… walking into your house is always a pleasure to the senses. Not being offered that goodness though? Rude.
  5. Pictures of your gluttonous holiday meal offerings. Yeah, about this one. Not one goddamned thing wrong with this. I have no question as to why we do this. Keep that shit up. I know that I will.

 

I think that about covers it for now. Pretty sure that there will be others as I grow older and grumpier but for now, I think that I have it covered.  And, from my family to yours… sending holiday well wishes your way with as many fruitcakes and cups of eggnog as it takes to make it a merry one for you and yours!

 

Melody

 

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