…my 140lb Doberman decided that since I have been letting him sleep wherever he wants in the house lately that he needs to lift his leg on well, whatever. For the last couple of days, I have been walking up my stairs and smelling animal urine. I say ‘animal’ because I have cats, dogs and kids. But, I digress.
Last night, the smell was unbearable so, I started investigating. Litter boxes clean, no visible “accidents” from cat, dog or man-child and no trash can that was visibly dirty. So, at this point, I am thinking that one of the dogs in sleeping inside, had an accident in the middle of the night somewhere on the carpet.
Let me break away and lead into the progression of this story by pointing out that my entire downstairs is tiled and laminate. Not a speck of carpet until you hit the stairs but, noooooo. No. This animal just had to use the toilet on the mother fucking carpet.
Anyway, fast forward to later after the kids were in bed. I needed some craft supplies from the office so, I start looking around. All of my craft paper, scissors hell, all my shit is in boxes. Plastic Rubbermaid shit and drawers, okay? It’s not like I leave the shit hanging out or whatnot. So, I got to where I know that my stockpile of greeting cards, plain card stock, envelopes and notice that the lid to the container is just the slightest bit off. Whatever. My oldest kid is a goddamned klepto so he was probably in there looking for shit to steal, whatever.
Keep in mind that the smell of animal urine is still horrible. (As a matter of fact, so horrible that I actually went on to Amazon and ordered a carpet shampooer. No shit.) I grab the box of supplies and reach in to grab something and then, something wet. No, not something ‘wet’. It was something liquid. And this liquid has been absorbed into all of my paper items that are in this container.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, it was mother fucking dog piss. DOG. PISS. All over my shit. Expensive ass card stock and some other random documents that were shoved in there for some reason. (Ah, yes. The klepto.) Did you misread that? No. No, you did not. Dog. Piss.
But, wait. No, it couldn’t get worse. Well, I guess it could. Famine and locust and shit could take over, Donald Trump could become President. Who knows?
What just happens to be in the very bottom of this piss puddle? Some of the things that my husband has acquired during his time in the Navy. Great. Just fucking great. Since I was wrist deep in dog piss, why not see what else there was in there? Oh, a hard drive? DOUBLE GREAT!!!
I cleaned what I could and just shoved the container out in the garage of the cords and shit that I didn’t want to submerge in water. (Let the hubs handle that shit.)
There is no point to this post. None whatsoever. Just to vent and to look back when I read this later and smile because at some point there has to be some humor, right?