I never thought that I would be 40. I mean, not that I thought I would be dead by 40 or anything like that. Just looking back on what I remember from my younger years and into young adulthood; I just never thought about BEING 40. And if the truth be told, I don’t feel 40.
People like to say, “40 is the new 30!” or whatever nonsense makes them feel less further on in the aging process but, not me. Believe it as gospel when I say that if my 40th year on this planet goes anything like my 30th year, I want a mother. fucking. refund. Period. Haha.
I’ve been doing this countdown since I turned 39. I even made a ’40 Before 40′ list to get handled before today. Yeah, about that. I ate a Pinks hot dog. I had my photo shoot with my tribe. I never met Dr. Dre. I never went horseback riding. There’s a ton of things that never came to fruition but, that’s okay. The things that meant the most did.
It’s really funny because I didn’t really go to bed last night FEELING that when I woke up, things would feel “different”. I don’t feel different; at all. In fact, I feel kind of jilted. Like, aren’t you supposed to be more grown up feeling at 40? Or, aren’t I supposed to magically have all my fucks in a row?
Now don’t get me wrong. My thoughts and opinions have grown, the connection and level of trust that I give to new people is at a completely comfortable level right now and although I complain on (almost) a daily basis, my life is pretty fucking sweet. Sure, I could have woken up this morning with a Maserati in the drive but that is just so, so… Basic. 😉
Seriously though, shit could be worse. I’ve learned in the last year. So many new things that I never thought deserving of my time to actually pay attention before. I’m still sober. I have my husband who is my best friend on this entire planet. There are three boys that I was lucky enough to grow inside my body and know every little movement and temperament even before they took their first breaths. I’m active with a wonderful cat/kitten rescue that is run by a woman that I look up to in a tremendous capacity and that I am lucky enough to call my friend. I have a home that many people would love to call their own, I have cars that get me where I need to be (most of the time) and food to feed all the two and four legged beasts under my charge. I have the most outrageously different, vast array of girlfriends that I am lucky enough to call my tribe. They know me, they love me and well, they’re stuck with me.
Now, all that mushy bullshit out of the way and onto the real talk.
It’s funny how the brain reacts to memories. Thoughts of people, places and events seem to pop up at the most unexpected moments. A few weeks ago, I was making rice and a memory of our kitchen from Winona, MS popped into my head and how that was the last time that I remember my mom making this rice pudding that was just to die for. I haven’t lived in that house in over 35 years. I haven’t been to Winona, MS in at least 20 years.
My great grandfather, Brewer, had this room on the back of his house. Everything was wood. The walls and the floors. It was COVERED with trash from decades of kids and grandkids, gardening tools, old bags of who knows what… and I was never allowed to go into that room. I still like to believe that underneath all the piles of stuff, there were hidden gems and cool stuff. Not just old broken toys and smelly old shoes.
I also remember that Brewer contributed to my love of all things bread, butter and sugar. Jasper was almost named ‘Brewer’ in honor of that old man.
I can recall so many things that I would love to write about but, I am just going to keep those for me. I share far too much most of the time so, those others will be just for me. =)
But, there are things that must be said.
1. People DO NOT change.
You cannot change a person by loving them more. You cannot change a person by bullying them into what you might think would be a better version of themselves.
2. Life is fucking cruel. No it’s not.
Events in your life have been cruel. People in your life have been cruel. YOU can be and have been cruel. But, ‘life’ is just a word. What’s cruel is that people don’t take enough responsibility for their life and their part in these ‘cruel’ situations. It’s called accountability.
3. Being happy by yourself comes before being happy with another person, another home, another well, anything.
Damn right that sounds selfish. It is. You have to be selfish to learn to be selfLESS.
4. People eventually show their true colors.
And it’s not always magentas and vibrant yellows. Watch out for the one that dull the colors of who you are. Or, that make you doubt another’s true colors.
Above anything else, LISTEN. It’s an amazing thing what can be learned by simply LISTENING. Such an easy thing to do but, such an incredibly hard concept to grasp.
I suppose that I could go on with some of my sobriety crap or cute kid stories but, pretty sure that we all have shit to handle and ain’t nobody got time for all of that. Much love and thank you to everyone in my life. There are those that were in my life for a reason, Thank you. There are those that were put in my life for a season(s), Thank you. And then there are those that are in this shit with me for the lifetime. THANK YOU. You deserve a fucking medal and a joint for going along this crazy ride. lol