This is a bitch blog. You have been warned.

First and foremost, I want it to be known that I believe that there are always THREE sides to every story.  My side, his side and the truth.  I tend to exaggerate and I am aware of this but, the likelihood of him reading my blog to correct those exaggerations is so unlikely that well, you’ll just have to see it my way.

Also, this is not a blog to bash my husband.  This blog is meant for me to get some things off my chest and speak in a zone that I have deemed ‘comfortable’.

Yesterday started out as a normal, stay at home mom, Melody kind of day.  Older boys and Gracie dropped off at school, baby and I back to the house to play and get some chores done.  And then, my day went to shit.

I spent my day analyzing and over analyzing why my mortgage went up over $400.  We did have solar installed and the payment is rolled into our property taxes but, that didn’t account for an additional amount that the lender was charging us.  On the phone with them, over and over, ON HOLD for collectively for over an hour.

For the first time in a long time, I realized how monetarily poor we really are.  (btw, I am skipping some details because they are not really important.)  I immediately cancelled my little luxuries that I love like, Netflix, Hulu and Spotify.  Then, I started applying for part time work online with Starbucks.  With Target.  With Savers.

Kid pick up.  Dinner on the stove.  It’s not much but, I pulled out the wrong meat from the freezer to thaw and decided to go with a chicken and veggie soup.  All Paleo, as my husband is doing this Paleo lifestyle thing that well frankly, I consider bullshit.  But, I am truly trying to be supportive in his efforts.  And, as much as he thinks that this “lifestyle” doesn’t impact everyone else in the family, it truly does.

I can’t make “one pot meals” that are both appealing to three growing boys and someone who wants no grains, processed foods and whatnot.  So, you see… there is no conceivable way to make a normal, family dinner to satisfy all of us without making TWO meals.  That is my first part of this bitch blog.  The second part is that when he comes home, he seriously hurt my feelings and made me feel guilty, all in a two minute conversation.  He asked what was for dinner.  I told him.  I get the eye roll and the exasperated, “Ugh”.  And that condescending non-laugh as he says, “I need food.  I need something substantial.  I’m going to starve”  (or something along those lines)  Score:  Melody- 0, Failure- 1.

All this time in between, I am still focused on bills, money that we don’t have and honestly considering starting a “gofundme” page just because well, people have started them for more ridiculous reasons than just being broke.  Feeling guilty about the collections calls that keep coming and there is no money to even make a payment arrangement with.  Especially now that the mortgage payment has gone up so drastically.

Then, I hear in the background… “Is there even any chicken in this?”  Melody- 0, Failure- 2.

I want to get a part time job. Even part-time.  Nights and weekends.  Well, that is not apparently on point with what my husband has in the plans since he would be left alone with the kids as soon as he walks in the door.  And I believe his direct statement was, “What are we going to do?  Shake hands as I’m walking in and you’re walking out?”  Melody- 0, Failure- 3.

I am flustered.  I am sad.  I feel worthless.  I try to change things and nothing ever really works.  It’s emotionally exhausting and I found myself putting the baby in the bed with us, popping a few Xanax and drifting off to a dreamless night of just well, disconnect.

So, today… I push forward.  It’s time to get the boys up for school.  It’s time to get the baby.  It’s time to raid the freezer and see what food that I can make tonight to appease the Paleo eater, the picky older boys and a baby that hardly eats at all.  Wow.  That seems to actually be three meals that I am planning now.

So tired.  Last night, I honestly thought about driving to San Diego and checking myself into Sharp Mesa Vista for a few weeks.