You know, I am at times a bit TOO honest. So, while I am feeling particularly honest this morning…
Some of you may be aware that in the mornings, I have my friend’s special needs daughter that I care for and then take to school. This morning, as I was dropping her off and seeing some of the other kids that attend school in her special education class and others, it occurred to me that I was so grateful that I have two boys that can dress themselves in the mornings. Two boys that can communicate their needs. Two boys that are “normal”. I know that every single one of those parents love their kids exactly as they are but, would give anything for just one day, to be able to share an actual smile with their son or daughter. To not hear the moaning that goes along with being completely unable to communicate or a glimmer of hope that one day, that child may even be able to hold his/her head up unassisted or simply hold eye contact for a brief second.
Then, as I said my forced “I love you’s” and “have a good day’s” to the men-children, I thought to myself, “Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for them to NOT be a thief”.
Yep. That was my first thought vs. “Goddamn it, I am one lucky mom”.
To know what it feels like to be THAT mom. You know… the one that WANTS to spend time with her kids. The mom that hates to see them get out of the car in the morning. The mom that wants to give them any and everything that they want. The mom that sees all the positive things that her kids bring to the world. The mom that doesn’t plan how to stay away from her kids while in the same house for the summer break from school. Oh, yes. Yes, I do. And, I make these plans in August. Just about the time that school starts back from my last planned summer acts of avoidance.
But, I’m not that mom. I’m the mom that no woman wants to admit that they are. I am the mom that breathes a sigh of relief as she sees those two children walk away from my car.
I’m the mom that begins to have a near panic attack on Mondays because it’s “early release day”. Wait, who am I kidding? That near panic attack happens everyday. Just about the time that I am supposed to be in the car line to pick them up.
I’m the mom that gives them whatever they want to just get a moment of quiet. Quiet from the constant, “can I?”, “I’m hungry”, “I need”, “I want” that never. Fucking. Stops.
I am the mom that tells them that I will do something and then, out of anger at something they did this time, retracts and tells them, “no”.
I am the mom that is sometimes so angry that I couldn’t spank my kids even if it was truly warranted. Not because I don’t believe in spanking. But rather, because my anger is so severe that I know that it would only be accomplishing venting my frustrations on them and not focused on the actual cause for the punishment.
I am tired. I am worn out. I want to love my kids the way that they want and deserve to be loved. Not out of obligation. I want to hug my kids and not feel them pull away because it’s not the “norm” for me.
More importantly, I want to HONESTLY be grateful that I have healthy, “normal” kids that drive me crazy. Not just something that I post on a social media page for everyone to acknowledge and “Like” or praise me for.
What I wouldn’t give to be “that mom”. Just for one day.