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You can thank me later…

Hi.  My name is Melody and I don’t like my kid.  There.  I said it.  And, it’s the truth.  Now, to be clear about another thing…  I love my kid.  I could never stop loving him.  I love him from the top of his horrible bed head, to the tips of his disgusting, unwashed big toe.  A big toe that, by the way, could stand to be clipped once in awhile.  But, no.  I do not like him.

Today, I walked into a new therapist’s office ready to sugar coat my disdain for the fruit of mine and my husband’s loins.  But, for once I didn’t feel the need to.  What I had finally found was a place where I could not only say that out loud but, MEAN IT.  For once, I didn’t have to laugh it off as a bad joke at an inopportune time.  And, after reading the two page synopsis of his behaviors, my behaviors, actions taken and so forth, I got the look of, “Oh, you poor girl”.

On April 19, 2013, I became a full time, stay at home mom.  I was ready to tackle it all.  The PTA, the annual school Bingo night, the inevitable fundraiser.  Oh, yes.  I AM that mom.  Wait… No.  No I am not.  I don’t even like kids.  In fact, if the truth be completely told, my first two kids were birth control babies.  Two DIFFERENT kinds of birth control.  I never intended to give birth.  Fuck, my mother can even tell you that as a little girl I said “NO BABIES”.  But, a higher power had other plans and so here I am.  Three boys in.

Oh, yeah.  I almost forgot.  The part about not liking my kid.  My kid is also ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, for those of you living under a rock.) diagnosed and what I suspect to be a highly functioning Aspergers case as well as the grand possibility of ODD. (Oppositional Defiance Disorder)  He’s severely fucked.  And, I blame myself.  I come from a long line of craziness.

It is a mental and physical struggle to deal with him at any and every given moment in the day.  The only time of peace that I get is when he goes to school and after his aggravating ass is in the bed.  (Which is a battle that I will save for another post.)  Get up Evans.  Get up Evans.  Evans, I am going to pour ice water on your head.  Evans, please get up.  Imagine repeating this at least twenty times.  Now, imagine those twenty+ times getting progressively louder until you are at a point that you fear the neighbor’s may call the authorities.

I don’t like my kid.  I REALLY  don’t like my kid.  As I am typing this, my kid just hit his brother in the face with a shirt.  My kid, is now in the corner.  Seems to be an outdated practice, right?  But, it’s the best alternative I have.

I am tired.  I am mentally exhausted.  My brain tries on a daily basis to remind my heart that I love this child.  I adore this kid’s face and his personality.  I love his terrible jokes and his really bad singing voice.  I even love the way that he loves that annoying, “What Does the Fox Say” song.  My kid is a good kid.  He was just dealt a shitty hand of DNA.  My kid is a smart kid.  I just don’t get him.

Now, I am going to try and reach him.  Again.  I’m going to try and nail into his head WHY stealing and lying is not acceptable.  I am going reiterate WHY bullying his brother is no different than bullying a kid in his class.  And, I am AGAIN, going to try and deal with him calmly and make sure that no matter how much I dis-like him, that he remembers that I love him.  Every perfect piece of him that, as I remind myself again of, outnumber the imperfect pieces that I would never change.

 

Now is later and you can thank me.  Just as I thank those that reminded me this morning that there are so many other things that could be wrong.  I woke up.  My kids woke up.  I didn’t get a phone call from the school and I was finally able to admit that, well…

I REALLY love my kid.

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About melodyswatson

Thanks for giving this blog a chance. Well, it would have been cool if you would have tried it when I started it like, FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO! But, water under the bridge and lets go from here… ;) I am a soon to be, 40 year old mother of three boys, proud wife to one sexy ass Navy Chief, fur-mom to two dogs, five cats, two rats and a black corn snake. I thrive on chaos and therefore I also bottle feed and foster underage kittens for my girlfriend's rescue. I am THE Crazy Cat Lady. I live in Southern California (yes, you can be jealous now) and own my home so… I won't ever be leaving! I am not close to my family mainly because… well, I don't really relate to them. But, I love the fuck out of my friends and will do anything for them. I hope that you will follow this blog. Mainly because it would nice to hear your own experiences or times you relate to something you read on here. But, also be aware that I am NOT an everyday, on schedule blogger. I blog when I have something to share. Always remember that forced words on paper are just as fake as that 'comeback' you have towards someone ten minutes too late. Let it go and wait for the next victim. I am also a staunch supporter of swearing. If I didn't swear, you would know that I was dead. So, take a stroll down memory lane on this blog and follow my thoughts and adventures.

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