To my Jasper….

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Jasper,

I can’t believe that in a few short days you are going to be a year old.  My feelings right now are completely bittersweet.  I have this pain that is throbbing in my chest, knowing that I will never have the chance to relive these first 365 days that you have made my life and heart whole.  But, then… I think about all the other days that I have  to watch you grow and learn.  Cherishing every, single thing that you do, say and become.

Now is the time that I take a bit to tell you that you are the most precious thing in my world.  From the moment that I saw the two lines on that little dollar store stick, to the first time that I felt your MMA like kicks and tumbles, to seeing your face for the first time after I opened my eyes, you my sweet Jasper have ruled my world.  You have this amazing ability to calm me.  I miss you when you are sleeping.  There are times, and thankfully you won’t remember as you grow, that I missed you so badly that I would walk into your room  and “accidentally” close a drawer just a bit too loudly to have you stir awake.

You are the most beautiful baby.  Everyone that meets you falls in love immediately.

You know, your dad and I wanted you for so long.  I like to tell you the story of how you came to be and watch you smile.  Almost like you understand what I am saying.  Maybe you do.  But, in case you don’t remember when you are older….

I like to think that before I got pregnant with you, you were this little being.  Just floating around.  Watching and just making sure that you were truly wanted and that we were ready to have you in our lives.  To love forever.  There were months when I didn’t think that you would ever be real.  Then, you picked the perfect time to decide that we were worthy and you chose us.  Out of all the mommies and daddies in the world, you picked US.

You, Jasper, are my miracle.  My angel that came into my life at just the perfect moment when I was ready to be the mom that I should have always been to your brothers.  I made mistakes in the past.  Big mistakes.  I will continue to make them.  But, with you and your “Big-Big” and “Little-Big” loving me the way that you do, I know that those mistakes will be minimal.  You guys are my future.

So Jasper, on what will soon be your first birthday, please always know that you are the most cherished thing that I have in my life.  I will always be there when you need me.  I will always do my best to love you enough to get you through anything that may come your way.  I will make sure that whatever partner you bring to my doorstep will know that I am your number one.  First and foremost, I am the most important person in your world.  I gave up EVERYTHING for you.  I walked to school, uphill, in the snow… wait.  That’s not right.  (See, your old mom has a sense of humor…)

Jasper, you are loved more and more every single day.  You are a beautiful little boy, inside and out.  Your personality shines and grows everyday.  Please, don’t ever forget that you are my world.  You are the one that made me understand the saying…

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”

Happy Birthday, my Jasper.  I will love you forever and a day….

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