It’s time…

I’m sitting here.  Alone.  For the first time today, I am by myself.  

Tomorrow, December 17 at 17:17 (That’s 5:17pm for you non-military folks), my Jasper will be a whole year old.  I can’t believe where the time has gone.

Intrigued since day one with the 17-17-17 sequence of his birth, I have often found myself comparing what his 17 in numerology says about him.  What I should expect, what he will possibly become.


“This people differ with their creative potential and desire to be successful. They have a deep critical and analytical mind. The innate ambition is helping them to achieve their goals by dignified ways. People of Number 17 are able to take life as it is, and they take the material values of life as something, that suppose to be here, because the main thing for them – is the inner tranquility. They have a strong characters, and life circumstances can not break their spirit. Never rest on their laurels, always set themselves new goals. They like to take a significant responsibilities. People of this Number always believe in their good luck and their own strength.

They usually think well before they do something. They have the ability to see perspective and, most importantly, see how different things appear in the interaction. Those born under Number 17 are able to work effectively and implement large projects. They also like to receive a significant social status. Some of them may be too much addicted to money and properties. Sometimes a certain romantic self-confidence (if it has no further actions) and a penchant for dreaming does not allow them to fully develop their talents. Despite the fact that this people are a pronounced individualists, they are strangely dependent on the feelings of others, though they are quite capable of ignoring the strange views and wishes.

They should bear in mind that the solution to any problem does not depend on other people, but it comes from within. The best way to achieve success for them – is to stand firmly with both feet on a solid ground and to determine the real basis for a meaningful existence of their personality and the world around them.


Emotional characteristics


People born under Number 17 are very volatile and restless by nature. Therefore they often can not keep the balance and it is difficult for them to be seriously attached to one and same person for a long time in the early period of their lives. Sometimes, a person born under Number 17, has to start and end several relationships to find the right spouse. Such people are always looking for safety and always think about the future. Due to their constant changes these people are very interesting (and sexually interesting as well), because you never know what they will do next. They have a large sexual appetite, but they are not rude and they can not be called “wild”.

They like to change partners from time to time, but such deviations do not affect the ongoing relationship. The spouse of number 17 should remember, that if he (or she) is willing to preserve the family peace, it is good to be surprising, different all the time – that will allow your Number 17 to satisfy his inner tendency for changes without destroying relationships, that he really value. Always change, always invent something new and these adventures will make life with your Number 17 spouse more interesting and more safe in the same time.

Number 17 – a very good number that has some mysterious powers. These people are endowed with the intuitive knowledge about their friends and family, they are very creative and inventive. The only drawback is their love for changes, which may bring them to the extremities. They must always make sure that the change they want is really reasonable – otherwise it will bring more harm, than pleasure. 

Generally people with the Birthday Number 17 are very charming, and they are easy to deal with. Nobody ever knows what will happen tomorrow with such a person, and the element of surprise makes them wonderful and very interesting people to live with. People of Number 17 are usually rich or they may improve their welfare. Very often their life is better in it’s second part – when their misunderstandings with world and people are already far behind. In general, this is a good number, and those born under Number 17 are usually lucky.”

When I look at my little man, I see nothing but an 8.0 pounds newborn that was handed to me a year ago and that has never left my side since.  He has brought the final piece into our family to complete the circle.  My little MMA contender.  

Happy Birthday, Willem Jasper Bodhi Watson.  I love you more today than yesterday and will love you even more tomorrow and every day that follows. 



To my Jasper….



I can’t believe that in a few short days you are going to be a year old.  My feelings right now are completely bittersweet.  I have this pain that is throbbing in my chest, knowing that I will never have the chance to relive these first 365 days that you have made my life and heart whole.  But, then… I think about all the other days that I have  to watch you grow and learn.  Cherishing every, single thing that you do, say and become.

Now is the time that I take a bit to tell you that you are the most precious thing in my world.  From the moment that I saw the two lines on that little dollar store stick, to the first time that I felt your MMA like kicks and tumbles, to seeing your face for the first time after I opened my eyes, you my sweet Jasper have ruled my world.  You have this amazing ability to calm me.  I miss you when you are sleeping.  There are times, and thankfully you won’t remember as you grow, that I missed you so badly that I would walk into your room  and “accidentally” close a drawer just a bit too loudly to have you stir awake.

You are the most beautiful baby.  Everyone that meets you falls in love immediately.

You know, your dad and I wanted you for so long.  I like to tell you the story of how you came to be and watch you smile.  Almost like you understand what I am saying.  Maybe you do.  But, in case you don’t remember when you are older….

I like to think that before I got pregnant with you, you were this little being.  Just floating around.  Watching and just making sure that you were truly wanted and that we were ready to have you in our lives.  To love forever.  There were months when I didn’t think that you would ever be real.  Then, you picked the perfect time to decide that we were worthy and you chose us.  Out of all the mommies and daddies in the world, you picked US.

You, Jasper, are my miracle.  My angel that came into my life at just the perfect moment when I was ready to be the mom that I should have always been to your brothers.  I made mistakes in the past.  Big mistakes.  I will continue to make them.  But, with you and your “Big-Big” and “Little-Big” loving me the way that you do, I know that those mistakes will be minimal.  You guys are my future.

So Jasper, on what will soon be your first birthday, please always know that you are the most cherished thing that I have in my life.  I will always be there when you need me.  I will always do my best to love you enough to get you through anything that may come your way.  I will make sure that whatever partner you bring to my doorstep will know that I am your number one.  First and foremost, I am the most important person in your world.  I gave up EVERYTHING for you.  I walked to school, uphill, in the snow… wait.  That’s not right.  (See, your old mom has a sense of humor…)

Jasper, you are loved more and more every single day.  You are a beautiful little boy, inside and out.  Your personality shines and grows everyday.  Please, don’t ever forget that you are my world.  You are the one that made me understand the saying…

“No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.  After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”

Happy Birthday, my Jasper.  I will love you forever and a day….

Re-post from my November 30th FB post…. Things to reflect on later down the road.

Day 29 and 30… These days, I am thankful for the fact that I don’t have to come up with anymore ridiculous things to be grateful for. Now, You must suffer through 30 of the little things that I am truly grateful for…

1. I am grateful that, even though we don’t have a lot of money, we have what we need to make ends meet. 
2. I am grateful that, I have people in my life that are so fucking judgmental of my life, my choices and the ways that I choose to raise my children that, they keep me in check. See, they are good for something!
3. I am grateful that my boys are excelling in school here in Murrieta. This would never have happened in the San Diego school system.
4. I am grateful that, aside from sniffles and tummy aches, my boys are healthy and for the most part, HAPPY. Take that, you judgmental fucks.
5. I am grateful for my husband. There are so many things that he does that makes me happy on a minutely basis that, I can’t really list them all. 
6. I am grateful for… the chance that I have to stay home with Jasper. 
7. I am grateful that, I got pregnant with my Jasper so quickly. I can’t imagine having to have waited to have this little piece of amazingness in my life any longer than possible. 
8. I am grateful that, Evans is the smartest and most caring child. He is annoying as fuck but, then… he is the most caring and compassionate little boy. With that, people that I refer to in #2, take that. I must be doing something right after all.
9. I am grateful that… Morgan has warmed up to Jasper like he has. It was touch and go for a little while and now… best buds.
10. I am grateful for, a huge house that is never really clean enough for my OCD tendencies but, clean nonetheless.
11. I am grateful that, I have met so many people in the small community and so, far… no crazies!
12. I am grateful for… for the last year and a half, I have been able to go to bed with my husband (for the most part) every night without the worry of the dreaded, early morning, tears laden “drop off” at the pier.
12. I am grateful that… the Navy has afforded us a lifestyle that has allowed and sometimes forced me to learn how to adapt.
13. I am grateful for, good health that some don’t have the luxury of. 
14. I am grateful that… my Jasper is such a happy baby. He may be spoiled rotten but, no one has to deal with him but me. 
15. I am grateful that… I have so many things to be grateful for that I am actually having to stop and think of what I want to put next…
16. I am grateful for, my ob/gyn that I was fortunate enough to have deliver all three boys. Our entire family loves her dearly.
17. I am grateful that, when I am having a rough day, (which is often these days) and even though my husband has just gotten home from work, he doesn’t say a word when I want to go to Target and just walk around and have a coffee.
18. I am grateful for my uber comfy bed that I sleep in every night. 
19. I am grateful that I have not only my new friends but, old ones that step up to the plate and force me to accept help even when I don’t want to.
20. I am grateful for… kids that are happy to get to school every morning. 
21. I am grateful that I walked into that bar so many years ago and met the man of of my dreams.
22. I am grateful for Jasper’s non-waivering, sense of humor. Even suffering from pneumonia, he was funny and outgoing.
23. I am grateful that… Watson and I made that decision so many years ago that I was not going to stay in Mississippi but, move to California and start our lives together.
24. I am grateful that I was older when we had our first baby. I got a chance to make many mistakes, somewhat learn from them and move on to a whole other set of mistakes.
25. I am grateful for the 4+ years of sobriety that I have. It’s been the best ride, EVER. 
26. I am grateful for the doctors at Sharp Mesa Vista that made me see what sobriety had in store for me and how to know the signals of stressors that could cause a backslide.
27. I am grateful for health insurance that makes sure we are all taken care of without fear of being turned away.
28. I am grateful that… in my older years, I have found that even though I do not have the politically correct filter, I have learned to control some of the things that leave my mouth. 
29. I am grateful for ALL of my friends. Not one of us share all of the same ideals or morals but, we have managed to find that happy medium where we still love each other.
30… I am grateful that through no decision of my own, the people that have no place in my life have removed themselves before I was forced to do so. In all honesty, it’s probably better this way. 

There. I’m done. As I close the books on this month of lots of false gratefulness and bullshit, there is my list. There are many more to add but, those are mine and they need not be vocalized or put out on social media to be acknowledged.

Much love….