That is NOT the car!

The phone that I bought my boys to share has been nothing but a thorn in my ass from day one.  This morning, it was more of an amusement.  That was, until it nearly took a quick trip from my eight year old’s hands into oncoming traffic.

I reminded him for the first time this morning for the school year to put his phone in his backpack.  Of course, this would be the morning that there would a damn Amber Alert that big brother would send to HIS phone.  Not to my phone but, to HIS.  Now, because of his tech savvy schooling and his every expanding knowledge of everything that could be construed as possible child abuse worthy leverage, he does in fact, know what an ‘Amber Alert’ is.  

Evans:  “Mom, there is an A.A.. It’s a blue, Nissan Versa.  Four Doors.  License plate #######.  We have to be on the lookout.”

Okay.  I will keep my eye out today.

E:  “Morgan, you have to be looking for a BLUE, NISSAN VERSA. FOUR DOORS.  LICENSE PLATE #######.”

Morgan:  “Okay, Evans. “

I’m sure you guys will find it.  Today.  In school.

Evans:  “It says that we have to call the local authorities or 911”

I’ll get on that if I see it.

(Please keep in mind that this entire conversation is transpiring in the 1 mile from our driveway to the car line at their school)

I’m giggling at their bantering (yes, I used the word ‘bantering’) back and forth when I Evans starts getting really loud and pointing at the PURPLE Nissan that is about two cars in front of us turning into the front of the school.  

Evans:  “THERE IT IS!  THAT’S IT!”

No, it’s not.  That’s a mom dropping a kid off.  Stop Evans.  It’s rude to point.


Morgan:  “Yeah, I think that’s them.  Do it, Evans.”


With that, and with Superman stealth, I grab that fucking phone and sure enough, he has the keypad open and is about to start dialing 911.  

OMFG.  REALLY?!  Welcome to my fucking world.  I threw them out of the truck and as he was walking off, he stopped to tell the crossing guard, POINTING AT THAT FUCKING CAR, about the Amber Alert and that she should call the police.    


Thoughtless meanderings of a very tired momma…. The middle of the night edition

1. Jasper woke up at 2:39am. I am not happy but, at least I wasn’t doped up on four Benedryl.
2. Finding Nemo is on. It came on at 2:30 so, by not getting downstairs on until approximately 10 minutes after the fact, I was lucky enough to miss the dad fish’s annoying voice.
3. I have never actually watched Finding Nemo all the way through and this movie is the only time I can actually find humor in Ellen Degenres.
4. Albert Brooks. That’s his name. What an annoying voice that man has.
5. I’m reminded at this very moment how much it irks me when corporation us emotional ties to one’s past to sell their product. (e.g., Cheerios)
6. Coffee tastes delicious no matter what time of day or night.
7. You the old saying, “Locks only keep honest people out” ? It should be revamped to, “Baby gates only keep sleeping babies out”. I can see Jasper’s wee mind working at 3:16 in the morning.
8. It sucks being poor. I mean, it really bites the big one. Although, it doesn’t suck enough to go out and spend $50 on lottery tickets.
9. Bruce Leroy is one of the most spastic yet, patient kittens that I have ever seen. If it was me being yanked and pulled on by an 8 month old, I wouldn’t be nearly as cordial.
10. Does anyone else think that Finding Nemo would have been a better movie if Sam Jackson had been cast as Nemo’s dad? Well, of course you do. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s SAM JACKSON.
11. Those Ticonderoga pencils really are all that people make them out to be. I may never buy off brand #2’s again.
12. I find it extremely disturbing that I should be begging Jasper to go the fuck to sleep but, instead, I am thinking of reasons to stay awake and play with my sewing machine some more.
13. I really love it when I heard someone say the word, “machine” as “macheen”. I just laugh and laugh. Sometimes, I actually snort.
14. I’m willing to bet that sea turtles really are as chill as the ones in Finding Nemo. Unless they come into contact with a turtle hater like my friend, Jason. Who the fuck HATES turtles? *smh*
15. This movie is totally making me want some fried catfish.
16. Why, as parents, do we find it necessary to think that when our baby farts or burps, it warrants praise that would make the normal human think we had just discovered a cure for cancer? It’s really a disturbing occurrence.
17. ^^ No wonder restaurants bank kids after a certain time. It’s not the kids. It’s us annoying ass parents that think everything said kids do is a fucking photo op and or ga-ga, goggly eyes worthy. Bring on the parent-free dining!
18. Which brings me to kids at a buffet restaurant. Can you please teach your kids that the aisle next to my families booth is NOT a forum for pre-k WrestleMania? And, while you’re at it, teach that fucking brat to keep his HANDS out of the fried shrimp?
19. Can it damage an 8 month old’s eyes to be less than a foot away from a 60″ television screen?
20. UGH… that moment. When you pick up your mug to only reveal that you finished your coffee at the last swig. *sigh*

At least he has good taste in music. I think…

This morning as I was waiting in the carline to drop the men-children at school, Evans (the eight year old) is sitting in the passenger seat just bobbing his head and butt in the seat.  (There’s no music on, mind you)

I chose to ignore this behavior that most might consider as “odd” as, this is completely normal for MY son.  

Then, without warning and loud enough to stop me from breathing for a second, make the baby start to wail and leave Morgan in a stunned, unnatural silence, he starts belting out the words (or what he perceives to be the words) to what for it….

Ballroom Blitz.

Although, his version went something like this…

“Oh, yeah, it was… lightning
Everybody was frightening

… the music was soothing

And they all started grooving
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAHHHHHHHH

And the man at the back said, lalalalala… ballroom at the Ritz
Everyone attack lalalalalala, turned into the ballroom at the Ritz
And the girl in the corner said
lalalalalala it’ll turn into a ballroom at the Ritz.”

Morgan:  Evans, I don’t think that right.  No one makes up a song about crackers.